


look at the stars

by hypegirl (orphan_account)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: A Bit of Fluff, A LOT of Angst, A wee bit of denial, Angst, Bittersweet, But it’s mostly sad, Clinginess, Depression, Flashbacks, Grief, Guilt, Homosexuality, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It’s really confusing, M/M, Memories, Pain, Self-Harm, a lot of memories, as if that wasn’t already obvious, i’m a terrible human being, sad shit, seriously this fic is basically a giant mood swing, theres a little crack, yuwin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-04 12:22:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21197600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/hypegirl
Summary: Yuta remembers it all.Their first kiss.Their last touch.And everything in between.(alternatively titled: Something Beautiful)





	look at the stars

**Author's Note:**

  * For [iuwui](https://archiveofourown.org/users/iuwui/gifts).

> i have a lot of stuff to say and not much space to say it. 
> 
> let’s start with trigger warnings: this fic deals with a lot of references to depression and suicide, i recommend clicking off if these topics make you uncomfortable. 
> 
> the title came from the song yellow by coldplay and star blossom by doyoung and sejeong, but i strongly reccomend listening to yellow for this fic. please don’t listen for star blossom you’ll probably combust. an alternative option is let me down slowly by alec benjamin. 
> 
> this is a very complicated and confusing fic, so i’ll try to help as best i can. i personally can understand it because i wrote it, but i’m not sure how much sense it will make to you guys. all i can tell you without giving too much away is that certain scenes are memories from the past, certain scenes are thoughts and reflections (i think they’re all from yuta’s pov), and other scenes are basically what’s happening “right now” in the story- if you guys don’t get anything feel free to ask in the comments. 
> 
> perhaps the days on which i wrote and published this are somewhat inauspicious, but- i hope you guys enjoy. 
> 
> yes, my thought process was something strange. and i’m fairly sure this will haunt me for the rest of my life. 
> 
> also this is my first time writing something like this please don’t be too hard on me i’m not great with emotions 
> 
> ok i’ll shut up now enjoy the fic
> 
> edit 3/15/20: i regret writing this omg what was i on
> 
> edit 3/23/20: i hate this fic and like the ending so we going bacc on our orphaning spree

“Look at that one.” Yuta said, pointing up towards the brightest star in the sky, glowing a faint yellow against the deep blue. “That one’s you.” 

“Me?” A brief pause. “Ugh, hyung, you’re so cheesy.” 

Yuta could hear Sicheng rolling over on the picnic blanket to face away from him. 

He smiled softly. “You know, I think we’ve reached that point in our relationship where you can stop calling me hyung.” 

Sicheng turned back, and raised an eyebrow. “Oh really?” A teasing smile spread across his lips. “What would you like me to call you, then? Oppa?” 

The older boy laughed, but not before feeling his face flush slightly. “No, please no.”

“Fine then.” Sicheng pouted. “Yuta.” 

Two syllables, uttered casually, and yet Yuta could feel what was definitely an idiotic grin forming on his face. 

He turned, wrapping his arms around the chinese boy. 

“Y-“

“Yes, I know I’m clingy, let me be.” 

The chinese boy said nothing as Yuta smiled, burying his face in his neck.

If only they could have stayed like this forever. 

☆

Yuta looked around the now empty field, feeling his heart grow heavier with every second. 

He’d never realized how lucky he was to get the opportunity to see Sicheng happy. 

Every second counted. Every second that wasn’t spent secretly in the dark, hiding from the demons in the outside world, tears streaming down his face, wanting so badly to disappear. 

Every second that wasn’t spent wondering if the world would be a better place if he was gone. If he had never existed in the first place.

Of course, Yuta didn’t know of any of this. 

He should have known. He still hadn’t forgiven himself, after a year. 

He should have looked deeper, should have been able to understand all that was happening, found a way to help Sicheng, found away to save him before he fell. 

But he didn’t. He couldn’t have.

Yuta knew he couldn’t have. 

The past year had been filled with “should haves” and “could haves” and inabilities to accept that what happened could never be reversed. 

After all, Yuta only saw what Sicheng wanted him to see.

☆

“I’m not going to burn the house down, for god’s sake! Have some faith in me!” 

Yuta raised an eyebrow. “Faith? After what happened-“ 

“Okay, that was one time.” 

“And the time before that, and the time before that. Are you sure-“

Sicheng pursed his lips, whipping a purple spatula out of the nearby drawer and waving it around. “I don’t want your help.” 

“Fine.” The older leaned against the counter, admiring his boyfriend’s concentrated expression as he began chopping up vegetables. 

The silence lasted a mere five second before Sicheng’s eyes darted back up to Yuta. 

“You’re adorable.” 

The Chinese boy blew blonde hair out of his face. “You’re so greeeeaaassssyyyyy-“ 

“yOu’Re sO gReaSyYy...” Yuta mocked, scampering forward to wrap his arms around Sicheng from behind. “You know you like it.” 

His voice had dropped a good three octaves, unintentionally seductive.

Sicheng froze, dropping his knife on the cutting board, but quickly whipped around with a smirk. 

Now it was Yuta’s turn to freeze as Sicheng leaned in, soft lips ghosting over his own. 

“I don’t mind it.” 

☆

It was no secret that Sicheng was an outstanding actor. 

Yet another thing on the already-lengthy list of things he was absolutely perfect at. 

Of course, Yuta would have argued that Sicheng was absolutely perfect at everything. 

It was also no secret that Yuta was in capital-L Love. 

Maybe that’s what made him so blind. 

☆

“I’m sorry.” He breathed.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” 

Sicheng’s expression hardened as he looked up, tear-streaked face and puffy face offsetting his glower. 

“I exist.”

Yuta directed his gaze downwards as he intertwined their fingers, his eyes misty.

“Thank you for existing.” 

They sat in silence for a moment. 

“You just don’t want to hurt me.” He started again, voice soft and low. 

“You’re right. I don’t.” Came the reply, equally soft. “But I’m not lying when I say I love you.” 

And that was that. 

☆

Yuta had figured out that Sicheng couldn’t cry in front of him, but he didn’t know why.

It wasn’t that he couldn’t bring himself to cry, or that he wasn’t allowed to.

It was that he couldn’t bear how completely broken Yuta looked, how he looked as though every shaky breath that Sicheng took was a slap to the face. 

It was the lesser acknowledged fact that Sicheng was also in capital-L Love. 

☆

“I’m sorry.” Yuta looked up at the sky, snapping out of his thoughts for the first time. An array of vibrant hues displayed as the sun disappeared behind the horizon. 

He wrapped his arms around his legs, paying no attention to how the wind whipped hair into his face and blades of grass across his skin.

“I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t talk to me.” 

Yuta blinked, looking back up. 

“Maybe I just need to accept it and move on.” He murmured, knowing full well that he couldn’t. 

He’d never be able to. 

“I’m sorry I’m so weak. I should have-“ 

He cut himself off, shaking his head. 

“Sorry. I’m sure I must be annoying you.” 

The sky above had turned a deep blue, dotted with stars. 

☆ 

Yuta remembered how he’d found him. 

He remembered the panic. The terror held felt. 

How he’d been unable to breathe. 

He remembered his hands shaking as he dialed emergency. 

He remembered it all. 

☆

“You know, you do sing really well.” 

Sicheng had scrunched up his nose. “I’d rather stick to dancing.” He recognized the dreamy expression on Yuta’s face. “Please don’t say something cliched.” 

“How to you plan to stop me?” Yuta asked quizzically, taking a dramatic breath as to prepare a new corny remark. “When y-“

He was cut off by Sicheng leaning in, going still exactly a millimeter away from his lips. 

“What was that for?” He asked, leaning slightly away as color rushed to his face. 

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to shut you up-“ 

Yuta cackled. “Now that,” He grinned. “That is a cliche.” 

He patted his friend on the back, still somewhat flustered. “You’ve learned well... But you’re still chicken.” 

“What do you mean, I am not!” 

“You chickened out, right there.” Yuta shrugged. “You wouldn’t be able to kiss me if you tried.” 

Sicheng pouted as Yuta integrally cheered. “That’s ridiculous, of course I could!” 

The other boy was hit by a wave of sudden confidence. “Prove it, then!” 

“I will!” 

Sicheng leaned in, quickly pressing a soft kiss to Yuta’s lips. 

“You call that a kiss?” 

“How would you even know, you’ve-“ 

“Kissed my fair share of people in my day, thank you very much.” 

Yuta could swear he saw a flicker of jealousy in Sicheng’s eyes, and suppressed a grin. 

“What do you want, then!? Do you want to make out, or-“

“I wouldn’t mind it.” 

Sicheng all but fainted on the spot.

☆

The memory made Yuta’s heart twist, but he supposed it was better than others. 

The others made his heart shatter.

Memories that could never be forgotten. 

Imprinted into his brain, only to play over and over like some fucked up supercut whenever he closed his eyes. 

☆

Blood. 

Pale skin. 

Glassy eyes. 

That wasn’t his Sicheng. 

His Sicheng would never do something like this to himself.

This wasn’t the boy who he’d kissed in high school. 

Who was a terrible cook. 

Who teased Yuta for his clinginess.

This wasn’t the same boy who Yuta had imagined spending the rest of his life with. 

Who he’d fallen in love with.

Only to be confronted by this... lifeless thing  
in his living room, surrounded by a pool of blood. 

But it looked like Sicheng. It felt like Sicheng. 

He remembered screaming for help, knowing no one would hear, feeling the hot tears streaming down his face as he slowly shut down, crumpling to the ground next to the love of his life. 

This couldn’t be the end. 

☆

“You were so good at hiding your feelings.” Yuta muttered, chuckling once humorlessly. 

“You’ve always been a good actor.” He paused. “You were good at everything, for god’s sake.” 

“I know it’s kind of stupid and extremely selfish of me to ask,” Yuta directed his gaze up to the night sky, letting his eyes drift along the dusting of stars. “But I just want to know.

“Was any of it real? Did I mean anything to you at all? Because I really don’t understand why you would pretend to like me just to go and leave me like this. 

“I’m sorry. That was harsh. I don’t know what I was thinking.” He looked back down, passively fiddling with a blade of grass. “I just miss you.” 

☆

He often found himself grasping for memory of Sicheng, trying to find something that he could hold on to. 

Now, they were all that filled Yuta’s mind. 

The way he smiled when he was nervous. 

The sound of his laugh.

The muted taste of citrus. 

The warmth of his skin. 

And the silent chill without him.

☆

“I do miss you. I miss everything about you.” He paused, feeling a familiar pang of guilt. “But then again, it’s probably my fault that you’re gone.” 

Yuta fixed his eyes on sky. 

The brightest star, lightyears away.

Never within reach, but still there. 

Always there. 

“Thank you for existing.” 

☆


End file.
